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There are many myths about domestic abuse. Many of these are believed to be true by both perpetrator and victim. Perhaps you might recognise some of these as familiar to your belief system. The following has been included to try to dispel the myths about domestic abuse, take the responsibility away from the victim andhelp the perpetrator to acknowledge his/her actions.
| MYTHS | FACTS |
| Domestic abuse is just one of those things to be expected | Whilst domestic abuse affects many people, this is no reason why you should have to put up with it. Most people in relationships do not experience domestic abuse |
| I probably deserve it, after all if I was a better person I wouldnt be treated this way | No-one deserves to be abused and you are no different. This is one of the common ploys of the abuser to make the partner think they deserve it |
| An odd slap here and there never hurt anyone | A slap can kill .35% of all women who arrive at doctors' offices or hospital seeking emergency treatment are victims of domestic violence. Battering causes emotional disability and physical disability, including blindness, deafness, paralysis - even death. Nearly one-half of all women murdered are killed by a male partner. |
| I must have provoked him / her. Im just as guilty as they are | Studies have repeatedly shown that what a victim does or doesn't do has no effect on reducing the abuse in a relationship. The abuser is responsible for their abuse, not the victim. Domestic abuse is often characterized by a syndrome called the "cycle of violence." First, there is a period of incredible tension. The abused partner may feel like they are "walking on eggs." This tension heightens and finally explodes in violence, often including rape. In fact, because victims know the violence is inevitable, they may consciously "trigger" the violent episode so they can get it over with sooner rather than later. This is a way of maintaining some control over an uncontrollable situation -- they may not have any say over whether the beating happens, but they might have some control over when it happens. The violence often ends with a "honeymoon" period, when the abuser is remorseful, repentant and loving. This behaviour entraps the victim even more, as they truly believe the abusers promises to change. Over time, the cycle may grow shorter and shorter, with abuse becoming more frequent and the honeymoon phase shrinking and eventually disappearing |
| You cant be raped by your partner | In as many as half of all abusive relationships, rape is part of the abuse |
| Its because of the alcohol. After all, it only happens when theyve had a drink | Not all abusers are users of alcohol or drugs and not all people who use alcohol and drugs are abusers. Even men or women who are chronic substance abusers resort to violence when they are sober. Alcohol and drugs are an excuse for abuse, not the cause. Victims may use drugs and alcohol to mask their pain and escape the violence, and then become addicted. Sometimes victims are forced into drug dependency by abusive partners and then blackmailed into not seeking legal or emotional help. Services are available to help people with their substance misuse issues |
| Its only domestic abuse if it occurs in heterosexual relationships | While it isn't clear just how common it is, abuse does happen in lesbian and gay relationships. The abuse is similar to that in heterosexual couples, but it may be more invisible. Many programs for women are beginning to address this issue. However, more groups which support survivors of domestic abuse are recognising the issue and working to become as welcoming to lesbian and gay survivors as heterosexual survivors |
| They say that they will call Social Services telling them that Im a bad parent and they will come and take my children away from me | This is a tactic that happens frequently. Social Services are aware of this as are all other agencies mentioned in this websiteProviding the child/children are being looked after, it is in their interest to be supported by a responsible caring parent. Many people have found enormous support by having contact with Social Services |
| The police will say its just a lovers tiff or a bit of a domestic | The Police receive intensive training on domestic abuse and they take each call very seriously. In Barnsley, there are specialist domestic abuse officers who support many victims of domestic abuse |
| They say it wont happen again and that they are truly sorry | Maybe it wont happen again. It is unlikely though. Research shows that often the abuse escalates, making the frequency of abuse quicker |
| They say that they will kill me or make my life hell if I leave | Firstly, a threat to kill is an arrestable offence. Secondly, because of the joined up working from the agencies in Barnsley, your safety is the first concern. The Multi Agency Risk Assessment Conferences (MARACS) are designed with your safety in mind. All the agencies attending the MARACs will assess the risk to and help to reduce the risk. Part of this will also be putting measures into place to deal with the perpetrator. If you are concerned for your safety you should notify the police |
| It must be me; I always seem to attract these kinds of partners | There is no doubt that some people seem to repeat history and become involved with similar types, just like the way that we seem to be attracted emotionally and physically to similar characters. Other peoples determination to abuse you is not your responsibility, its theirs. Thinking that you are attracting these types is taking the responsibility from them |
| If I get help, theyll take over and expect me to leave | Leaving the home is only one option that is available. Specially trained professionals are there to help you make the best decision for you. Its about supporting you with your choices, helping you and giving you information that can help you make these choices |
| Its their word against mine | Its very difficult for abusers to pretend they are not being abusive. Where there is physical violence, this often leaves signs and these can be documented and/or photographed. Often there are witnesses to the abuse. Specialists know every trick in the book undertaken by abusers. One of the most common ways to prevent you doing anything is by making you think that you are all alone and that no-one cares what happens to you |
| If I do something about it Ill have to end the relationship | Sometimes ending the relationship is the right choice and sometimes its not. What is important is that you are safe. This can involve any number of measures taken to help you remain safe. One of these measures is for the perpetrator to get help to stop the abusing. If you decide to stay in the relationship, remember it is your partners responsibility to stop the abuse, not yours |
| I cannot be raped if Im married or in a relationship | Most abused people have experienced some form of sexual abuse within their relationship. It is also known that ex partners or ex-spouses sometimes use rape as a form of retaliation. Men and women can be raped in same sex relationships too |
| Im gay, therefore I wont be taken seriously or I will need to come out to everyone if I report this | Firstly, you will be taken seriously. Police and agency workers receive specialised training on LGBT issues. There is however always a risk of your partner or ex partner outing you. This is often a tactic used by abusers to stop you reporting the abuse. Agencies are sensitive to issues that matter to you and there are ways of dealing with it without your sexuality being an issue |
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